Why Saying 'No' This Holiday Season Is a Gift to Yourself

As the holiday season approaches, the pressure to accept every social invitation can feel overwhelming. In this episode, ASMSA Executive Director Corey Alderdice dives into a fascinating study by Julian Givi and Colleen P. Kirk that reveals why saying “no” to invitations is not only okay but often overanalyzed by those of us who feel guilty about declining. We’ll explore why hosts are more understanding than we think, how perspective-taking bias makes us misjudge the impact of our “no,” and why protecting your time is a gift to yourself and your relationships. Tune in for tips and insights that will help you set boundaries with confidence this holiday season.

For additional thoughts from Director Alderdice, visit coreyalderdice.com.

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Learn more about ASMSA at asmsa.org/thrive.

Transcript

As we inch closer to the holiday season—a time filled with gatherings, parties, and social invites—I want to have a heart-to-heart about something we’ve all struggled with--at least times: saying “no” to invitations. For many of us, the thought of declining an invitation fills us with anxiety.  It could be something as small as an after-work gathering or as big as joining the Board of a local non-profit organization. We worry about offending the host or damaging our relationships. But here’s the thing: those fears are often way overblown.

A recent study by Julian Givi and Colleen P. Kirk sheds light on this common dilemma. Their research, published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, explores why declining an invitation feels so difficult and why those fears may, ultimately, be unnecessary. 

Spoiler alert: it turns out we’re much harder on ourselves than anyone else is.

Let’s break this down.

You’ve been there before. A friend invites you to dinner or a holiday party. You’ve already had a long week, and all you want is a quiet evening at home. But instead of politely declining, you reluctantly say “yes” because you’re afraid of what they might think. Will they be upset? Will they feel like you don’t value their friendship?

According to Givi and Kirk’s study, this is exactly where most of us get it wrong. The researchers found that people tend to overestimate the negative reaction they’ll get when they decline an invitation. You might think the host will be angry or disappointed, but chances are, they’ll understand.

In one of the studies, participants imagined declining a friend’s invitation and predicted how upset the inviter would feel. Then, they compared those predictions to how actual hosts felt when turned down. The results? Invitees thought their “no” would lead to far more anger and hurt feelings than it actually did. In reality, most hosts were a lot more focused on the bigger picture: that their friends needed time for themselves.

So, why do we make this mistake? Well, here’s where it gets fascinating. 

The study showed that when we’re in the role of the invitee, we overanalyze our actions. We focus so much on the moment of saying “no” that we forget something important: the other person’s perspective. Hosts, it turns out, are far less focused on the rejection itself and much more understanding of the context behind it. In other words, they’re thinking about why you might have declined—not just the fact that you did.

This ties into a psychological concept known as perspective-taking bias. When you’re declining an invitation, you’re consumed by your own thoughts: “How will this come across? What if they’re offended?” Meanwhile, the host is thinking, “Maybe they’re busy. Maybe they need a night off.” You see the situation through a microscope; they see it with a wide-angle lens.

And here’s a comforting takeaway: many people have been on both sides of this equation. They know what it’s like to feel overwhelmed and need a break. More often than not, they’ll empathize with your situation rather than judge you for it.

Now, let’s get to the heart of it: what happens to relationships when we say “no”? Are we, in fact, putting our friendships at risk?

The study addressed this, too. Participants worried that declining an invitation would harm their relationships—that it might even lead to fewer invites in the future. But again, the data tells a different story. Most people continue to extend invitations to friends even after being turned down. In fact, the study found that hosts are far less likely to take a single “no” as a personal affront than invitees assume.

Think about it: how often have you stopped inviting someone just because they couldn’t make it once or twice? Probably not often, right? Relationships aren’t built—or broken—on one RSVP.

This is especially important to remember during the holidays. It’s a busy time for everyone, and hosts are often juggling their own packed schedules. They know you are, too. A polite decline isn’t going to make or break your friendship.

So, what does all this mean for you as the holiday invites start rolling in? It means you have permission to prioritize yourself. It means you can say no without guilt because, chances are, your friends will understand. And if they don’t? Well, that’s a reflection on them, not you.

Declining an invitation doesn’t mean you don’t care about the person who invited you. In fact, it can often be an act of self-care, ensuring that when you do say “yes,” you’re able to be fully present and engaged.

So, as you head into the holiday season, remember: it’s okay to decline. You’re not being rude or dismissive—you’re setting boundaries, honoring your time, and making space for what you truly need. And that’s not just okay; it’s necessary.

And don’t forget to take care of yourself this holiday season. Until next time, stay mindful, stay kind, and stay true to you.