Owning Your Role: How School Leaders Develop a Thick Skin

ASMSA Executive Director Corey Alderdice explores how school leaders can develop a metaphorical thicker skin when facing public scrutiny, criticism, and the challenges of making tough, sometimes unpopular decisions. We delve into four key strategies to help leaders stay grounded and resilient: owning decisions with confidence, not taking criticism personally, leaning on a strong support network, and keeping a long-term perspective. Whether you're navigating a tough moment or looking to strengthen your leadership, this episode provides practical insights and encouragement for leading with purpose and resilience.

For additional thoughts from Director Alderdice, visit coreyalderdice.com.

You can also follow Alderdice on Twitter/X, LinkedIn, BlueSky, YouTube, Instagram, and Threads.

Learn more about ASMSA at asmsa.org/thrive.

Transcript

Today, we’re tackling a topic that I think a lot of school leaders need to hear: how to develop a thicker skin. Because let’s be honest—when you’re the one making big decisions that affect students, staff, parents, and the community, the spotlight can, at least a times, get a little too bright. 

A quick story. Early in my career, a student downloaded several of my photos from a social media account and re-posted them with a variety of commentary and ridicule.  While that didn’t feel great, what really hurt was that this was a student I had spent the past few weeks advocating with their sending school to include them among the honor graduates.  When I reached out to the parents to discuss the student’s actions, the mother replied, “It was inappropriate and we’ll take it up with her, but as a school leader you need to develop a thicker skin.”

I mean, what? You’re going to get criticized. Some of it’s constructive, some of it’s not, and it can be tough to handle. But with events and conversations like the one I experienced, it’s definitely a challenge to remain grounded, resilient, and effective when you're in the thick of it.

So that’s what we’re diving into today. We’ll break it down into four key ideas that can help you build that metaphorical thicker skin without losing sight of who you are as a leader and, more importantly, why you lead. So, let’s get started.

First, let’s talk about ownership. If you want to develop a thicker skin, you have to fully own the decisions you make. Not just when things are going well—anyone can feel good about themselves when there’s praise flying around—but also when things get hard. This means really standing by the choices you make, especially the tough ones.

Think about this: whenever you make a decision that impacts your school or district, there are going to be people who disagree with you. That’s inevitable. But if you can look in the mirror at the end of the day and know you made the best possible decision for your students, that’s where you find peace. Owning your decision doesn’t mean you think it’s perfect—it means you believe in the process you went through to make it. You did the research, you consulted the right people, and you considered the long-term impact.

When you can stand firm in that, criticism becomes less about you personally and more about the situation. And trust me, that makes it a lot easier to keep moving forward when things get bumpy.

Okay, next up is a tough one: not taking criticism personally. This is easier said than done, especially when someone’s coming at you in a very pointed way. You know how it goes—someone sends you an email or makes a comment in a meeting that hits a little too close to home, and suddenly it feels like an attack on you as a person rather than just a disagreement with your policy or decision.

Here’s the thing—you’ve got to learn how to put some distance between yourself and the criticism. The person who’s upset isn’t always upset *at* you; they’re frustrated with a decision, or they feel like their voice wasn’t heard, or they’re anxious about change. It’s rarely about you as a person. Reminding yourself of that will help you stay focused on the bigger picture.

One trick that helps is to pause before responding. I’ve found that stepping away from the computer, going for a walk, or even just taking a deep breath can reset your mindset. It gives you the space to remember that their frustration, while maybe directed at you, isn’t necessarily about *you*. Over time, this practice will help you build emotional resilience—a key part of that thicker skin.

Now, developing a thick skin doesn’t mean you should isolate yourself. In fact, you need people in your corner more than ever. You need that circle of trusted colleagues, friends, or mentors who can give you perspective when things get rough. People who will remind you that one tough situation doesn’t define your leadership.

Here’s why that’s important: sometimes the criticism or pushback can feel so loud, like it’s coming from every direction. And if you don’t have people to help you see the other side, it’s easy to get caught up in it, to think, “Am I doing everything wrong?” But when you’ve got those trusted voices who know you, who know your leadership style, they can help you stay grounded. They can also offer feedback that’s constructive but not destructive, which helps you grow without feeling like you're under constant attack.

And let’s not underestimate the power of just having a safe space to vent. Sometimes you don’t need advice—you just need to say, “Wow, today was tough,” and have someone respond, “Yeah, I hear you.” That kind of emotional release can do wonders for your mental resilience.

Last, but not least, let’s zoom out a little and talk about perspective. When you’re leading a school, especially in challenging times, it’s so easy to get wrapped up in the immediate problem—the parent email that’s criticizing your new policy, the staff member who’s unhappy with a change, or the community meeting that didn’t go as planned. And in those moments, it can feel like the world is closing in on you.

But here’s the truth: leadership is a long game. The decisions you make today, while maybe unpopular in the moment, are about creating better outcomes in the future. And sometimes, the benefits won’t be seen until months, or even years, down the road. When you keep your focus on what’s best for students and community, that gives you the strength to weather the storm of criticism.

You’re not leading for applause. You’re leading to make a difference. And when you keep that bigger picture in mind, it helps the noise fade a little. It doesn’t mean the criticism goes away, but it makes it easier to manage because you know you’re moving toward something bigger, something more important than one bad day or one negative comment.

So, there you have it. Building a thicker skin as a school leader isn’t about shutting off your emotions or ignoring criticism. It’s about owning your decisions, learning not to take things personally, leaning on the people who support you, and keeping your eyes on the bigger picture. Leadership comes with its fair share of challenges, but with the right mindset and support, you can navigate those tough moments and continue to lead with purpose.

Remember: thick skin doesn’t mean you don’t care. It just means you care enough to keep going, even when it gets tough.